Forgetting

One would wonder sometimes--well, now most times--how one can forget God's existence so quickly. One week you're basking in His goodness, then you find yourself fighting fiercely for your freedom, you notice your enemies are relentless and you are weighed down by the intensity of it all. Then you wonder if God is really for you, if you are really sanctified. "God, why are you letting them win?" You get mad at God because it seems your one and only ally is allowing so much turmoil in your mind, and separation from Him is such a lonely place to be...so empty. And yet you continue the fight. You get glimpses of peace--but only glimpses. You long for the light. Why so hard? Why forget so easily? You know you were born into war--that was not your choice. But now you have to stand up and fight. And keep fighting. And call on your God to remind you of His providence.

Last night I ended up writing, struggling to recall the hallmarks of faith which He has built in my life. "God I don't want to disappoint you. I want to be faithful, stay faithful. I want to be alive, fully alive, for your glory!" And so without feeling, but instead with blunt choice, you choose to believe that God indeed does exist, He is for you, your heart is good, and that your heart matters deeply to Him. You matter deeply to Him. How could He not? He's the one who invited us to see Him and know Him (remember Israel in the desert after the Exodus, when God pronounced a sacrifice and invites us to come and behold His glory). He offered His life so we could have life and "have it to the full."

So today, I can't see clearly. Alert and oriented times zero. "Why?" I ask my God."...Now I know in part; then shall I know fully..."