I am my Father's daughter

If you have ever gone to a certain point in life when everything seems for nought, then you have walked my shoes. Name it--indifference, disappointement, frustration, confusion, alone. It seems like you're just waiting for heaven to come, so what's the point of working to live here on earth? I had every argument of despondency available, yet too tired to bring it to words. Too alone. Too fatigued. I found myself wondering if my Father was indifferent, that I had to scream in His ears to hear me. But I was too tired to ask for help. I mean, is this how He is? If I don't ever have victory over my sin, my sadness, my bad habits, what's the unending cycle for? I have to scream for Him to hear me? I felt that He didn't care, well, that's not entirely accurate. I felt that He wasn't being proactive about being my Father, I mean, if He knew what I was made of and what I needed, and how I was feeling, and how much I needed Him, why is He asking for more energy that I didn't have? Let's face it, who can understand the ways of our Father? I had never been in such pain about Him in my lifetime. This was the first encounter.

And He is our Father, indeed. There are incorrect ways of seeing Him, and we must learn the right character if we are to live. I'm happy to say that He is indeed Fathering me. When He foresaw that I would lose my energy, He sent someone to love me and pray for me, and care about me, and wasn't going away. I pray that He would open my eyes and my heart to accept this gift in accuracy.

Thank You, my Father. My Father indeed.

This side of life...

I have discovered life's disappointments...all the way from my own personality struggles, to the sting of people whom I've given a huge part of myself to and the betrayal that has caused a huge rift that is next to impossible to re-bridge, to major disappointments in people who have the faces of Christianity but whose hearts are rehearsed in "right-ness", to my own fatigue from fighting for the "right" for so long. I'm just so fatigued. Tired of fighting. I want to go down to the bottom, to the pits, where I might have a chance of seeing things clearly. It seems that I struggle to understand all my life. Is there any relief? Any release? It seems that even my openness and honesty with my own Father is condemned. I am His child. He knows my thoughts, but it seems the irrational fear is there that He will condemn me and pronounce me guilty. So says one fellow at the church who used my God's intentions for his own gain. Let my heart be strong to stand for the character of my God and His love towards me..."I have loved you with an everlasting love."

The Vision that is Yours

I experience, quite often, a pull not much different from yours. It is the pull of your own purpose, your existence and vision and fruit of your life. This pull is often not of God, although used by God because He wastes nothing.

Saying no to overseeing an evangelistic series was a painful process to go through, the consideration of what a decision like that entails...it all seems so straight-forward. "It is God's work--you should do it. He is coming soon--you should do it. If you don't, you will regret it. Don't say no to the Holy Spirit--you will regret it." But consider the other side of intuition--and God is just mysterious this way as well. You go through life fulfilling others' vision even if it is not yours. Your vision is, if you really think about it, always bestowed. You have nothing if it was not given to you by the Author of your life. Ask yourself, is their imposition of the Holy Spirit? Or does the Lover and Redeemer of your soul invite? Doesn't He always? The difference between condemnation and conviction?

Never serve out of obligation. You will lose yourself. Oblige because you have a heart full to give. Oblige because He deserves it, because of the overflow of your joy. He gives it to you. If you don't have enough, ask. "He will not resent your asking."

How do you know...

Galatians 5:22 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness..."

When the church asks you to do something, not just something, but somethings...and you realized it can be a tool that keeps you away from your search for Jesus, how do you know who's asking you? Do you wait for peace? What if the peace came with the decision to NOT undertake, for instance, an evangelistic series? Is it wrong to take time off from the church? Especially if the nurturing you find is not from there? But you anyway, seek to nurture those in need, but are not necessarily connected with the church...And what of the people who "warn gently" that to refuse the Holy Spirit will be to regret it much later because we are not "diligently labouring"? Is guilt imposed there? I thought we were supposed to be reservoirs, not canals, out of the abundance of Christ's riches we are to share our wealth. What if you are not yet wealthy and are running on empty? What if you are to take care of your heart...for out of it are wellsprings of life...

Anyone feel free to post...it will be appreciated.

Alone

Other times you can beg and beg and beg for God to fill you with Himself, to put you in touch with others. Who wants to feel alone in their worship or praise? Who wants to be alone in their beliefs? I was listening to Louie Giglio narrate Moses' experience with God on the mountaintop...he was given specific instructions and to be ready. Moses asked, God said be ready in the morning. His time. His way. He also said, "Come alone." I was reminded that there are parts along your journey that you can't take anybody with you. God wants to show you something--you know this because of the unquenchable thirst that happens to you and you cry out desperately for understanding. But He does it His way. Sometimes you have your friends to help you, sometimes God just wants to Father you Himself.

Sometimes...

Sometimes, when you can't see the way, He will show you someone who has...

Forgetting

One would wonder sometimes--well, now most times--how one can forget God's existence so quickly. One week you're basking in His goodness, then you find yourself fighting fiercely for your freedom, you notice your enemies are relentless and you are weighed down by the intensity of it all. Then you wonder if God is really for you, if you are really sanctified. "God, why are you letting them win?" You get mad at God because it seems your one and only ally is allowing so much turmoil in your mind, and separation from Him is such a lonely place to be...so empty. And yet you continue the fight. You get glimpses of peace--but only glimpses. You long for the light. Why so hard? Why forget so easily? You know you were born into war--that was not your choice. But now you have to stand up and fight. And keep fighting. And call on your God to remind you of His providence.

Last night I ended up writing, struggling to recall the hallmarks of faith which He has built in my life. "God I don't want to disappoint you. I want to be faithful, stay faithful. I want to be alive, fully alive, for your glory!" And so without feeling, but instead with blunt choice, you choose to believe that God indeed does exist, He is for you, your heart is good, and that your heart matters deeply to Him. You matter deeply to Him. How could He not? He's the one who invited us to see Him and know Him (remember Israel in the desert after the Exodus, when God pronounced a sacrifice and invites us to come and behold His glory). He offered His life so we could have life and "have it to the full."

So today, I can't see clearly. Alert and oriented times zero. "Why?" I ask my God."...Now I know in part; then shall I know fully..."